Dolores has been gone over a month now and I can’t seem to come to terms with the loss of the one thing in my life that was beauty, goodness and light. I know that must sound campy but that is the only way I know how to describe my feelings with an economy of words. I hate it when people go on and on after you get the point.
I keep hearing from people that God has a plan that we can’t understand and that we must have faith that He knows best. Well I have to believe that Dolores is in Heaven because there is no other scenario that wouldn’t leave me in a living hell. And because I have never meet anyone that has died and returned (have you?) to ensure me of what is on the other side. All we have is blind faith, and that to me is most disconcerting and brings me absolutely no comfort.
I have anger that God would take her from me at the pinnacle of our relationship. Why? Is a question that I will never have answered while I still draw breath and I know I must leave this anger behind me or it will consume me and more importantly sully her memory which is something I cannot do. Right now my feelings are very raw and I take little comfort in what God wants or needs.
He or She or It or They, depending on your belief, should have enough followers and worshippers to appease their narcissistic needs without taking from us a love most will never know and few have ever found. How do we know it is not just simple jealousy that drives God? You know, the whole put no one before me and all that. Do you sense a bit of anger here?
How can God need her more than me? She did not want to die; she had no choice and made the best of what she was dealt. And I have that memory of courage and grace to help sustain me now. But it is of little comfort during the lonely nights and long and colorless days.
I hope she is watching over me and will help me when she can. And I hope my life will not be a long one, I want to do whatever it is I have to do here and then hurry to the side of my love. I know one thing, if she was taken from me for selfish reasons; God is paying for it every day all day until we are re-united. Because she has a will unmatched and she will never surrender. I prefer to think she is in paradise awaiting my arrival and for her it will only seem a day apart and not this long and lonely journey I must take alone.
Thoughts in the darkness,
The Demonmaster
I didn’t know Dolores, but I do know she would kick your butt if she heard you saying you should hurry your life along!
This is horrible, but to be honest I don’t believe in God anymore since my Dad got sick. I can’t believe anything so awful as these long and drawn out illnesses could be a ‘plan’. For some, these things make you find faith. For me God can have my middle finger!!
It is so easy to blame God for all the bad in this world. And if you blame God, then I say, ” good.” Because that means you at least believe in God. It doesn’t mean you’re right, but you do believe!
I am no expert on God or on what he allows to happen in our lives be it good or bad. But, I know that God doesn’t put any more on us than we can handle. If He brings us to it, He will bring us through it! All God wants from us is to believe in Him and to trust Him. He brings people into our lives (like Dolores) to help us become better people. What do you think Dolores would want you to do now? Hurt, be angry, be sad, be confused these are things to be expected at a time like this. But to give up on life and living and believing is not acceptable. Dolores would not want that for you! And YOU KNOW IT!!!
God may allow things to happen in our lives that are hurtful or sad, but think of ALL the good things He allows! He allowed you to know Dolores. You now have an extended family because of her. And if you believe in God and heaven, then I know you believe that is where Dolores is now…with God in heaven. And isn’t it wonderful to know that You will be with Dolores in heaven when God calls you home?
I don’t know how anyone could be angry at God when He’s the One who has blessed us with the presence of those we call our loved ones. Yes, He may take them away from us suddenly, but isn’t it nice to know they are in a place where there is no sickness, no hurting, no violence and no pain?
God gives us so much! And Yes, I have lost loved ones. Very special loved ones. I never got angry at God for taking my dad or my nephew. I thanked God for allowing me to have had them in my life. And for knowing that they are now well and truely happy!
I have a love this strong with my soul-mate…. I KNOW Delores is still loving you, awaiting your presence and watching over you… I just know…
I’m not religous but I do know this love… How wonderful you two are to have it… and you still do… it doesn’t go anywhere… How fortunate she was to have you while she was here and she obviously felt it… You made her life so joyous and meaningful…
Love and Peace to you …..
Hi….I’m new to Eons, and was peeking into various groups when I saw your post and website. I lost my husband on March 25, 2008….I was with him when he passed, and the folks at the hospital let me climb into bed with him for our final “hug”. I’m riding on the same roller coaster as you – but you’ve taken it to the road! Good for you – your Goddess is riding with you. If you ever want to chat about your feelings, I’d be happy to share, as we’re both the same age. Remember that life is good, and our job is to live it to the fullest, in the memory of the Loves of Our Lives. I’m in Maryland, between Baltimore and DC, and I’ll leave the light on for ya when you pass through. Be safe!
We don’t have to believe in God at all, to notice there is LIFE.
Whether we believe or not, makes no difference to the force of LIFE.
And with LIFE comes DEATH.
When we remember and love someone as they were alive and we regret, are sad, or even very, very angry that they are dead, we have no need for belief.
We know it and we feel it and it is truth.
The depth of our despair from someone passing is the depth of our love.
Understand that and you have a peak of Universal, Always-changing, Everlasting, Boundless Expression, and the many descriptions of God as different and as personal, as each one of us is – who have lived, loved and will eventually die.