Here I am home at last and I can feel the wear from the road. I’m glad I did this trip this year and not put it off for someday in the future. I’m not getting any younger and a trip of this nature takes a little more effort than just a vacation. I had such an experience out there on the road; I met many very nice people, a few odd and a couple just plain weird. That being said, all had good hearts and best wishes for my future.
My future, what the hell is that going to be? I haven’t a clue. Dolores and I had such a complete and completing relationship that thinking about going on without her is next to impossible. Oh yes, I know I have to move forward, she would expect me to not just go on but to take what we learned together and improve on it and somehow find happiness somehow someway.
She was and still is the most important part of my life. Many well meaning people try to understand what I feel and offer what they truly believe is sound advice and many are widows or widowers and therefore feel and in some cases do have special insight. The problem is I have met no one that had a relationship like the one Dolores and I shared. Some think I am seeing our relationship in slightly a better light than it really was, but the fact is that is just not the case. I know many people and have met many more lately and I can safely say, what Dolores and I shared is far more than most have ever dreamed of finding. I won’t go on and on about our relationship, that gets boring for anyone but us, but I do pose the question, how do I go on?
Baby steps, is what I’ve been told. I rearranged the living room because I could still see the bed she died in and where it stood. The couch I slept on night after night just a few feet away from her so as to be a near as I could and be there for her any minute day or night should she need me. It was just too much to live with, so I gave away the couch and by rearranging the room I guess I’m trying to fool myself a little and it seems to work, if just a little.
I do hope you enjoyed following along on the trip and I do hope to write a book about our life together and her death and the trip. I am trying to find a voice, rather my voice, so that I can share what we lived while she died. Death is such a dark and scary thing in our culture, think of the image we have, a man with no face in a dark robe, with bones for fingers holding a scythe, and what I have learned thru Dolores is that it doesn’t have to be that way. Please understand that I would give anything, everything to still have her with me or somehow join her, but that is not my choice or in my power. But what might be is to tell the story of her death in such a way that it might bring some enlightenment to others to ease their suffering and anguish. To me death is still an unknown but not as unknown as it was. The only thing that comes to my mind right now is that her death had the same feeling to me as the birth of my son. What I mean is it felt like a miracle was taking place right in front of my eyes. I know that might cause you to scratch your head, trying to understand, but that is the way her death felt to me. Why do we fear death so much? Why do we struggle so hard to avoid death instead of trying to understand what it is and how it works? None of us get out of this alive, everyone one of us will die. How we face that death will depend on how we understand what death is. That is what I want to tell you, now I just have to find the right words.
Stay tuned,
The Demonmaster
Rick,
Again, welcome home. Hang in there my friend. You have endured a lot the last few months and the wear and tear of the trip, no matter how rewarding, will set you back for a while. Sit back, relax, have a cool one and just know that you did something amazing for yourself and Dolores and that is a fabulous tribute to her and you.
Dennis and Noi
Welcome home Rick. You have had an amazing trip and time away was what you needed. No one can tell you what the future holds or with time you will heal. Each one of us have different experiences and handle things in different ways. You are doing it in your own way. Baby steps is the way to go and what you and Dolores had has made you a better person for it. It will be your love for each other that will see you through.
Writing a book will be good for you and will help you heal but only when you are ready to do so…….Take each moment at a time, worry about tomorrow when it comes, for tomorrow will become today and today will become yesterday…..God Bless…Chrissy x
Thanks for taking us along with you and for the lovely photos too!
Blessings.
I really enjoyed reading about your trip or rather voyage and seeing the pictures. Now to complete your journey through this sucky thing called grief. I know what you mean about death being a miracle. I fully understand. I, too, had to re-arrange parts of the house to be comfortable after Ray passed. Otherwise I would not have been able to stand it. I completely redid our bedroom so I could sleep in it.
Take it one day at a time or one minute at a time as you can. God bless and I am glad to see that you made it safetly home.
Rick,
God has answered my prayers and brought you back home safe and sound! I hope the trip was everything you thought it would be and then some. Take time now to relax and unwind. Remember, we are here for you!!! Hope to hear from you soon!
Love,
Dee
Rick,
Ron called me last week and told me you put out a website about your trip and that it was a tribute to Deloris. I don’t read my email at home regularly. I am attached to it at work, and I have to fight for it at home, so I put it off.
I pulled up the email tonight not knowing what to expect. All I can say is WOW!
I have tears streaming down my face and I am sniffeling like crazy. Rick, you are so good at expressing yourself. A book will be amazing and I can’t wait to read what you have to say. You are so fortunate to have had Dolores in your life. She was truly an amazing woman.
I can say that I knew both of you before you knew each other….I can say that I knew both of you when you first started dating…. I can say that I knew both of you when you were committed and happy….The last time I saw Dolores was at Kohl’s in the Spring. I stopped by and she ran over and gave me a hug. I had no idea it would be the last time I would see her….
Rick, you are an amazing man. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have the wooden carving that you made for me on my desk and every time I look at it, I think of you.
You just have explained it Rick!
I believe I may have written on joyfulmourning.com about what it was like the night Rebecca’s Tedd passed away.
There was such a sense of peace that Rebecca said, if she could have grabbed Tedd and pulled him back to life, she would not have done it. Everyone in the room felt the beauty and glory [how else to describe ...???] of heaven that she would not have deprived him of it.
It was like heaven opened up and some of the glory came through the opening for a time.
I think Rebecca would understand exactly.